Thursday, December 11, 2008

How to lose a guy after two dates.

Whats the best way to ditch a guy after a couple dates? I mean, date 1, you're stoked.... maybe overly stoked. Maybe overly stoked without probably cause. I suppose I'm a bad judge of character. That's not even the truth though,... it's not that "broseph" is a bad guy, by any means. He's just not up to par. And that's not wrong. That's what dating is, right? Trying on a bunch of lame ass shoes (eh hem, puffy ones,...) that don't fit, and continuing on the search. Carrying on,.... date #2 is where things come full circle. You realize (in my case), that you've already gotten to know a lot about them (see Date 1 "stoked"), seen that they may or may not be a gentlemen, etc. etc. Date # 2 is where you really see if you have chemistry or not (as I always say), if you REALLY have any similar interests, if you have that awesome ability to talk for hours and if you encompass that somewhat annoying issue of not being able to stop smiling. As I tell my good friend PantyGirlLA, answer the following questions and you will unveil the truth about dude in question. 

A)When you're out with your girlfriends, or with other dudes perhaps, do you find yourself wishing you were with him?

B)If you ran into your ex, would you be proud or embarrassed to be with new dude?
C)Do you despise his shoes? 

D)Do any of his fantastic other character qualities make up for said bad shoes?

E)Do you have fun with him?
                    F) Are you the sole supplier of laughter? Can he even come close to matching your extremely fantastic sense of humor?      

G)Does he leave you wanting to know more?                

In the case of Broseph, we have a definite failing grade. Solution? Ignore his texts? Ignore his calls? Be "busy" for the rest of my life? I hate being the bearer of bad news. But fuck, man. I've been dissed. I will be dissed again, and Broseph surely will too. Don't kill the messenger. And some of our standard words to live by, "Only God can judge you."

Yours Occasionally,

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Eyes Wide Shut


When you are having casual sex with a lady friend it's ok to open your eyes. Let me be clear, don't stare like you are a contestant in a see who laughs first competition, but a glance here and there is appreciated. I understand it may be awkward. This may only be one of the first times you and your partner have entered into holy mattress-mony, no pun intended. Or it may be one of the first times you've had "sober sex." We all know how weird that can be. I personally try to not let that happen very often, but I digress. If you do keep your peepers shut, here is an insight into the brain of a woman:
  • OMG what is he thinking?
  • Is my gut sticking out?
  • He thinks I'm fat, I fucking knew it!
  • I knew I should have joined 24 hour last month.
  • more CARBS
  • Tomorrow I start pilates and that's a promise!
  • My ex was right, no one will want my fat ass.
  • I wonder if his new girlfriend is fat.
  • I bet she is.
  • haha his girlfriend is fat and I am hot, just look at this young buck below me.
  • Wait, why are his eyes closed?

The possibilites are endless.

Too Legit To Quit,

Panty Girl LA


Never a good idea to overbook. If they only knew.

Yours Occasionally,


So, PantyGirlLA and I have made a new pact. A new credo, of sorts, to deal with all of our boy dramas. 

"Just Say Yes." Our slogan for the remainder of 2008.

 Now this sounds all wrong, but really in theory, it's all right. There is more: listen up.... "Just Say Yes" encompasses the spirit of freeing ourselves from the bondage of, well, ourselves.  Incorrect usage of our "Just Say Yes" slogan, including but not limited to..... 

WRONG. Do not use "Just Say Yes" theory here.

WRONG. "Just Say Yes" is also inappropriate in this situation.

Also WRONG. Please use your best judgement as to when "Just Say Yes" is appropriate.

What we ARE looking for. 

(Random dude from last weekend asks you for coffee). 

(Girl from work that you don't know very well wants to hang out over the weekend.) JUST SAY YES!

(A somewhat unintriguing guy wants to take you to dinner. You're hestitant,.. he's not that rad,...) 

(Opportunity to participate in an online panty scam for some extra dough.)
JUST SAY YES! (obviously).

What's it gonna hurt? Live life and prosper. No longer will we be slaves to overanalyzation of the stupidity and moronic nature of men. From here on out we throw our cares to the wind. We do whatever the universe tells us is right at the time and deal with the consequences later! Wait, wrong. We step out of our comfort zone of what is normal and feels okay for us, for the chance that we may find something new and exciting in life. Well, this is the ambition. VENI, VIDI, VICI! That's all the wisdom I got for the day. I'm exhausted.

                  Yours occasionally,